Singleness

Chivalrous Flirting: An Oxymoron

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Chivalrous Flirting: An Oxymoron

You’ve asked about flirting. And asked. And asked.

I Can’t Hear You!

I’ve pretended not to notice. Not because I don’t care, but ’cause:

  1. I feel disqualified to answer. I mean, if you only knew. In high school, I remember leaning forward so my (male) biology partner would . . . (you can figure it out.) Yeah, I wish I had a do-over!
  2. As a teen, I’d regularly attend a summer camp where my aunt served as the cook. She’d watch my interactions with guys and accuse me of being a flirt almost every year. (I always denied it adamantly, by the way.) I’m a huge fan of being friendly and have always loved to make people feel welcome—regardless of their sex. So I dismissed her concerns.
  3. Flirting is foggy. How are we supposed to know when we’ve crossed the line from being friendly and having fun with a guy to . . . flirting with him? And is flirting even necessarily wrong?
  4. I fear making you feel paranoid about whether others (like my aunt) think you’re flirting or not. I want you to be yourself; I have no desire to make you feel self-conscious whenever you’re around a guy.

But it’s an important question. You want to know, and I want to know. Is flirting harmless—could it even be chivalrous—or is flirting . . . plain ‘ole wrong? There are a whole lot of different opinions out there. Click here to watch a few:

But Flirting Is Natural. And Fun!

Let’s face it. Flirting comes naturally (please tell me I’m not the only one!). And flirting is fun—especially when it’s returned.

Well, I should clarify. It’s fun in the moment. Afterward, it’s usually plain ‘ole depressing ’cause (let’s be honest) we did it to get a certain result and then . . . nothing. Nothing really changes.

And let’s be honest: Just because something’s “fun” and “natural” doesn’t mean it’s best. I mean, when you were little it was “fun” and “natural” to:

  • pull your little sister’s hair.
  • refuse to eat your peas.
  • stand on your chair.
  • say “no” instead of “please.”

But that didn’t make it right.

So today I’m taking the plunge. I’m going to get a conversation rolling about . . . flirting.

What Is Flirting, Anyway?

First, let’s make sure we’re on the same page when we throw around the word “flirting.” For the sake of this discussion, we’ll go with the Dictionary.com definition. Flirting is to:

  • toy or play with another’s affections.
  • deal playfully or carelessly.

Ouch. Sounds a lot like, It’s all about me, doesn’t it?

As fun and “natural” as flirting is, it’s also contradictory to who I now am in Christ.

Funny, though, how we can convince ourselves we’re actually building that guy up with our smiles, words, and playfulness. We can almost think our flirting is . . . chivalrous.

But based on this definition, here’s one conclusion I’ve reached about flirting:

Chivalrous Flirting Is an Oxymoron.

Huh? Come again, you ask?

Okay, let me break it down for you.

Chivalrous means “considerate and courteous.”

But based on Dictionary.com’s definition, flirting isn’t considerate of the other person; it’s completely self-centered. (If you’re not sure about that, read through the definitions again, and ask if you’d want a guy to treat you like that!)

That’s why “chivalrous flirting” is an oxymoron—it’s completely contradictory. And as fun and “natural” as flirting is, I’d have to say it’s also contradictory to who I now am in Christ. Why do I say that? Philippians 2:3–5, for starters:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.

The next time you catch yourself flirting, I dare you to ask yourself why.

Why Do I Flirt?

I asked a few people why we flirt. Here’s what three people had to say:

Panic that no one will pay attention causes the urge to flirt.

While we flirt, someone is positively responding to us and accepting us, so we’re encouraged to continue.

I think part of it is the thrill of the chase. Flirting is not just to get a person, but to get a reaction. Sometimes girls flirt even with a guy they don’t really want.

How about you? Why do you tend to flirt? When you dig deeper, what’s really going on in your heart?

Hang in there—we’re just getting started! Come back next week for what Christian guys think about flirting.

Will I Ever Be Loved Like Peeta Loves Katniss?

By / Leave a Comment / Boy Crazy, God, Singleness

 

Will I Ever Be Loved Like Peeta Loves Katniss?

 

 

Whether you caught The Hunger Games opening weekend (and contributed to making it the biggest November opening ever!), or whether you have no idea who Peeta and Katniss are, I’m guessing you can relate to this girl’s bottom-line question:

I finished The Hunger Games series, and I am so envying Katniss. I mean, I know they are just fictional characters, but seriously! Peeta loves her so much and so unconditionally. This guy is SO perfect. I know I have God and all, but is there gonna be a guy that really loves me THAT much??

Will I ever be loved like that? Even if I’ve never asked that question out loud, it’s been the silent question behind the tears filling my eyes after dropping yet another novel into the library dropbox or watching the credits roll by after yet another chick flick. Could that ever happen to me?

But as the books and movies have been released and the tears have fallen and the years have passed, I’ve come to believe that even if . . .

Even if Peeta actually existed in real life . . .

And even if I were his “Katniss,” the woman he lived and breathed for . . .

It wouldn’t be enough. Not for long.

That’s because the hole in my heart—and the hole in your heart—isn’t Peeta-shaped. Or Gale-shaped (Katniss’ other love interest).

You weren’t made to be adored but to adore.

You weren’t made to be worshiped but to worship.

You were made for more. You were made for God.

A God so big the waters of the earth fit into the palm of His hand. A God of nearly 500 billion galaxies. A God who has no weaknesses, who never trips or falls or needs you to rescue Him (like Peeta). A God who not only talks about dying for you (like Peeta), but a God who actually sacrificed His life for you.

Why?

So you—a poor nobody from the dark, outer district—could enter into the closest relationship you have ever known with the kindest, most powerful King who has always been. So there could be no distance or discord or disconnectedness between you and Him.

How do I know?

Because God thought up marriage—the most committed love relationship we can experience as humans—to give us just a taste, a tiny taste, of the oneness we can and will know with Him, through faith in Jesus Christ:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. . . . This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it [marriage] refers to Christ and the church (Eph. 5:25–32).

You are loved. So much more and so much better than Peeta loves Katniss. You are loved by this God who makes Peeta look . . . well, puny.

Dream bigger. You were made for so much more!

The Best Valentine’s Day Ever

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The Best Valentine's Ever

 

What’s your favorite Valentine’s memory? Mine took place on a snowy Saturday night in 2012 when five teen girls piled into my home with their pajamas, pillows, and Chi hair straighteners.

We did the typical things girls do at slumber parties (ate a lot of sugar, did each other’s hair, posed for a photo shoot) but the main reason we got together—and the highlight of the party—was sitting on the living room floor cutting and gluing and writing and praying.

Card Making 

We’d asked the church secretary for a list of the names and addresses of the widows in our church, and then we made them each a homemade Valentine’s Day card and included a picture so they could put faces to our names.

Why did we spend our evening reaching out to a bunch of older women we hardly even knew rather than watching a couple of chick flicks? Because we wanted to love the same people God loves. Did you know widows have a very special place in God’s heart? He protects them and provides for them and urges us to do the same:

“You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child” (Ex. 22:22).

“He [God] executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing” (Deut. 10:18).

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation (Ps. 68:5).

The LORD watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin (Ps. 146:9).

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world (James 1:27).

The next morning we hand-delivered one of our cards to a woman in a nursing home and stayed to visit, sing, hug, and pray for her. We dropped the other cards in the mail and were delightfully surprised when we received a couple letters back from widows warmly inviting us into their homes!card

I wonder what widows you know. Would you make a list and send at least one of them a Valentine’s Day card this year? (You might want to send one to a single mom, as well.) After you’ve done that, I’d love to know your thoughts. Why do you think God cares so deeply for widows and wants us to do the same?

 

PS: I think a highlight this Valentine’s 2014 will be sharing my new book, Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom, with the teens around me. If your heart is hurting this Valentine’s Day season, would you pick up a copy? It’s 40% off over at Moody Publishers today through February 17. Enjoy!

But No One Vacations Alone!

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Vacationing alone just isn’t done. Even eating out alone has a stigma in our culture. I wasn’t the only one who considered this; More than one person asked if I’d be okay, vacationing by myself for a whole week. Should the fear of loneliness cause me to turn down a timeshare on the Atlantic Ocean? Isn’t that same fear of loneliness what’s causing my friend to stay with her abusive boyfriend? Am I ever really alone?