I’m a crummy friend. I didn’t even realize it until last Friday, when Revive Our Hearts asked their employees to spend four hours on an exercise called the Personal Vitality Plan. We were to look at twelve areas of our life and evaluate what’s been going well, what’s been being neglected, and what some achievable steps are to replenish that area.
It didn’t take long to realize what was anemic. My relationships. Specifically, my friendships.
Until now, my idea of a good friend has been one whom I don’t have to spend a lot of time with, but when I do, we pick up right where we left off. But now I wonder if my definition of friendship has simply been a sorry excuse for neglect and selfishness on my part.
Oh, I haven’t painted it that way. I’ve chosen the busyness of “ministry” above friendships, investing more time in those who are “needy” while my iron-sharpening-iron friendships have simmered on the back burner.
As spiritual as that has seemed, I wonder if it has had more to do with pride and fear than love and compassion. There’s something self-inflating about being the one people always look to for help and answers. But since when are friendships one-sided?
When I look at Scripture I see friendship described with words like:
talking face to face (Ex. 33:11)
your friend who is as your own soul (Deut. 13:6)
loyalty (2 Sam 16:16)
kindness (Job 6:14)
trust (Ps. 41:9)
celebrating together (Luke 15:29)
grieving together (Ps. 35:14)
Now I see that I’ve been treating my closest friends as if they’re optional. But Jesus tells me in John 15:12–17 that friendship isn’t optional (and in the process, He calls me His friend!):
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. . . . These things I command you, so that you will love one another.”
It took me less than the allotted four hours to realize that I was a crummy friend, so I spent the remaining time sending emails and setting up specific plans.
I asked one friend if she’d be willing to spend time together regularly. I don’t want to get spread so thin maintaining all kinds of relationships that no one really knows what’s going on deep in my heart. I asked her to meet with me regularly for several reasons:
She loves and cares about me.
She already knows me well and runs in my circles.
She’s not afraid to ask me hard questions. You know, the kind that make you squirm.
Once that was taken care of, I began making plans to choose people over pixels: scheduling a party for artists in April, inviting neighbors over to roast marshmallows in the fireplace before spring arrives in full vigor, exploring the possibility of a getaway with two other about-to-turn-thirty-year-olds.
Since Friday, I’ve attended a birthday party, two movie nights, and am headed to the Art Institute in Chicago with the girls in my family this Saturday. Oh, and I’m asking God to teach me how to be a good friend. To learn to love . . . and be loved.
How about you? What do you tend to value more than friendship? What’s your excuse for letting your friendships simmer on the back burner? And if you’re the one feeling undervalued in a friendship, how can you continue to extend grace and reach out to that busy friend?
Jennifer cussed the chaplain out when she arrived at prison to serve her sixteen-year sentence. But in the privacy of her cell, she repeatedly beat her head against the concrete wall until it bled. Without drugs, she knew no other way to mask the anger and bitterness she had known from childhood.
For most of her twenty-two years, Jennifer’s parents said she was a mistake—that she was supposed to be a boy. So, Jennifer believed that God makes mistakes.
At ten, a nineteen-year-old from church began molesting Jennifer. To add to this evil, he asked her to act out Bible stories such as Adam and Eve. At this point, Jennifer wanted nothing to do with God.
She started drinking at age eleven to make the pain go away. By twelve, she was cutting, participating in criminal activity, and abusing drugs. By seventeen, she was a “mule,” trafficking drugs from Tulsa to Memphis.
One night, wondering how her life had turned out the way it had, Jennifer breathed a simple prayer, “Help. If You’re listening, help.”
She didn’t think about that prayer again until twenty-seven days later, when she saw six squad cars in her rearview mirror. As Jennifer was slammed to the pavement and cuffed, a load lifted from her. While she didn’t know what it would look like, she was certain life as she knew it was over.
After arriving at prison, Jennifer mocked the inmates in the PAL program (Principles & Applications for Life—a Bible boot camp of sorts). But she watched them. Their joy haunted her because it was something she had never known.
So she caved and joined them. For ten weeks, she heard things she’d never heard before: Forgiveness equals freedom; God uses authority for direction, provision, and protection for our lives. And, if she would believe in Jesus’ sacrifice for her sins, He would give her a new identity.
Ten weeks came and went, and the chaplain asked Jennifer to stay ten more. She couldn’t understand why—after the trouble she’d caused—but Jennifer agreed.
And on December 21, 2000, God’s Spirit interacted with her through His Word for the first time in her life. When that class ended, Jennifer got on her knees and told God if He could salvage what was left of her life, it was His.
And it has been, ever since.
“If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Cor. 5:17)
Call me crazy, but I don’t believe in pursuing guys. (Was that a gasp I heard?) Yes, you might want to sit down for this. Today, I’m sharing seven reasons I’ve given God control of my love life. Are you ready? 1. I’m not actually waiting on a guy to pursue me, I’m waiting on God.
Whenever you’re frustrated over how long it’s taking a guy to notice you, remember that God is in control of everything:
The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord; he directs it wherever he pleases (Prov. 21:1).
If the Lord can move the heart of the most powerful man in the land, He can turn any guy’s heart. Wait for His perfect timing.
2. I want a man to prove through his pursuit that he is a godly man who will lead and love me well after marriage.
Let’s just imagine that you do capture that special guy’s attention. You begin dating, and then he pops the question. Before long, you’re a wife! Now what?
Well, Ephesians 5:22–33 says that as a wife, you are to submit to your husband as to the Lord. The question is, have you modeled and practiced a different pattern in the months or years leading up to your marriage? Did this man lead and pursue you, or did you pursue him? Don’t wait until marriage to hand over the reins of leadership. It won’t work well. Start now, and wait for him to step it up and pursue (or not).
3. I am already loved completely and unconditionally.
I no longer have to fight for attention or find my worth in a boyfriend. Neither do you. Listen to how deeply—and how long—the King has loved you:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jer. 31:3).
4. I don’t know what is best for me, but God does.
Have you ever set your sights on a guy only to realize later that he is totally wrong for you? I’ve done that more times than I care to count. That’s because:
Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way (Prov. 19:2).
God, unlike us, knows everything. Including the hearts of all guys (1 Kings 8:39b). You can trust Him to lead and protect you, His daughter, even when you don’t realize you need protecting.
5. God has nothing but good in store for those who wait on Him.
You can rest easy. Psalm 25:3 says:
None who wait for you shall be put to shame.
That’s a fact you can count on from Your God who makes promises and keeps them. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’ll always get what we want when we want it. God tells us that in this world we will have trouble. But ultimately, in the end, He will work everything together for the good of those who love Him (Rom. 8:28).
6. Marriage won’t secure my happiness.
I am often reminded of this as I spend time with married friends. Marriage just presents new opportunities to continue to trust and submit to God. In fact, God has made it clear that marriage isn’t about you or me (sorry to burst any romantic bubbles!). We were created as women to help men (Gen. 2:18). And in a greater sense, we’re created for God, whether married or single. If married, it’s to give others a tangible picture of Christ’s amazing love for the church, and the church’s grateful submission to Him.
“I want you to be free from anxieties . . . the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:32–35).
7. I need this time of waiting in order for my faith and trust in God to grow.
Waiting isn’t easy. But, life will never be easy, and I will always find myself waiting for . . . something. I have a feeling this is training ground for even greater ways I’ll need to trust Him in the future.
“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust—there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men” (Lam. 3:25–33, emphasis added).
Having said all this, I feel like I should say . . .
1. Trusting God with your love life doesn’t mean everything will work out beautifully, or that you’ll get what you want. This isn’t about some sort of way to manipulate God.
2. The fact that you and I aren’t pursuing guys doesn’t mean we can’t be friendly to them!
3. There are no formulas. This is about growing in your relationship with God. Be sensitive to His Spirit’s leading.
Now that that’s clear, I’d love to learn from you. Which point means the most to you personally? Do you have any additional reasons or verse to add to my list?